How To Raise A Husband

August 31, 2006 at 5:33 pm (Uncategorized)

I love my husband. Honestly, I do. He’s sweet, generous and cares about me and the kids very very much. Unfortunately, he hasn’t been trained properly.

Don’t get me wrong. He never forgets a birthday or anniversary and he even remembers silly hallmark holidays like Sweetest Day. Most women would say “What a catch! Don’t let him go ever!” However; he tends to forget the daily things that makes life with other people somewhat bearable.

I’m a writer. I love to disappear into my writing with my cast of characters and go off to places I probably won’t see in this lifetime because I hate anything that resembles packing for more then a night away. This also means I need time without him or the kids disturbing me. As soon as he hears the clickety click of the keys, he gets this obsene urge to tell me about his night at work. For the five years we’ve been together, he swears he’ll leave me alone while I write but those promises are quickly forgotten as soon as I start typing. Maybe I should keep my promise and re-enlist him in the Marines the next time he bothers me while writing.

I’ve also learned how to be very specific when mentioning things I like. Let’s take chocolate for an example. Almost every woman on this planet loves chocolate. When my husband and I first met, I had mentioned I like white chocolate. I failed to mention that I only like it once in a while. When Valentine’s Day rolled around, I expected the usual box of chocolate, flowers and some sappy card. I got the card, I got the flowers… I also got 10 pounds of homemade white chocolate in various odd shapes and sizes. Let’s just say that everyone that came to my door walked away with a bit of white chocolate that valentine’s day. I think the cable guy thought I was flirting with him when he came to fix my cable because even he got a large chunk of white chocolate.

He’s sweet, he’s great with our three kids, I love him and I would also like it to be legal for me to throttle him once in a while. Our 4 year old is his first biological daughter, our teen and preteen are his stepchildren. He’s very clueless when it comes to raising children.

His grandparents hold a huge family get-together every boxing day. All us wives contribute to the meal and it’s a lot of fun seeing people you don’t get to see all the time. 2 years ago, I had bought the most adorable dress for our youngest. I got her bathed, dressed her up, did her hair then went to finish getting myself ready. I only had to do my hair which takes me no longer then 5-10 minutes. What’s the first thing I see when I come out of the bathroom to get my coat on? Everyone sitting around snacking on the homemade Christmas chocolates my mother-in-law made for us. When it comes to our 4 year old though, replace snacking with shoving as much as possible into her mouth and wiping chocolaty hands on her new white dress and her hair.

“Ah eee hohashes”

It took me a moment to translate around a mouthful of chocolates to realize she was telling me that she was eating chocolates. Thanks to her having an extra bath and needing to get dressed again, we arrived an hour late and me promising to send him back to the Marines.

Currently, I am writing a book on how to raise a husband. Here’s some basics for the ladies who want a headstart.

Rule 1) Be very specific when speaking to a man. Like children, they will take everything you say literally.

Rule 2) Gags aren’t just for kidnap victims or sex games. Use them to shut your man up once in a while until he learns when a good time for conversation is.

Rule 3) Never leave a man alone with a child for less then a second. You’ll usually end up late to where you are going.

Ladies, I’d give you more but you must wait for the book.


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